1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 The following programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,765 ♪ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows 3 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:11,800 ♪ Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together 4 00:00:11,835 --> 00:00:14,685 ♪ Brighter than a lucky penny 5 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,880 ♪ When you're near the rain goes, disappears, dear 6 00:00:17,915 --> 00:00:20,005 ♪ And I feel so fine 7 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,965 ♪ Just to know that you are mine 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,680 ♪ My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows 9 00:00:26,715 --> 00:00:29,197 ♪ That's how this refrain goes 10 00:00:29,232 --> 00:00:31,680 ♪ So, come on, join in, everybody 11 00:00:31,715 --> 00:00:33,725 ♪ Sunshine, lollipops and... 12 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,440 I drew you in the sweepstake for the beauty contest, Barb. 13 00:00:36,475 --> 00:00:38,280 So, pull out all the stops, will ya? 14 00:00:38,315 --> 00:00:41,325 Oh, it's just a lark, Pat. 15 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:45,720 My money's on Janice Allsthrop. she's got a bigger beehive. 16 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,485 ♪ Sunshine, lollipops... 17 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,760 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ♪ Everything that's wonderful 18 00:00:50,795 --> 00:00:53,400 ♪ Is what I feel when we're together... 19 00:00:53,435 --> 00:00:55,680 And what a feast for the eyes. 20 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:01,080 You lucky girls, my good lady wife was going to enter the competition. 21 00:01:01,115 --> 00:01:04,565 Mm! (LAUGHS) Pulled out because of her bunions. 22 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,120 (LAUGHTER) I jest. A former Miss Blackpool herself, 23 00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:10,045 believe it or believe it not, 24 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:16,120 girls, be warned, kiddies and cream buns, that's what happened. 25 00:01:16,155 --> 00:01:18,045 You're no oil painting yourself. 26 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,960 But you didn't marry me because I was an oil painting, my love. 27 00:01:20,995 --> 00:01:23,760 Whereas... Well, that was the whole point of you. 28 00:01:23,795 --> 00:01:27,045 (LAUGHS) Go on, give us a smile, love. 29 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:30,240 Oh, it looks like we have a decision.(LAUGHS) 30 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,920 (FEEDBACK) In third place... 31 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,965 ...Sandra Holt! 32 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,285 (APPLAUSE) (FANFARE PLAYS) 33 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:42,480 (LAUGHS) Well done. - Well done, Sandra. - Well done. 34 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,600 Applause please for our runner-up. Well, hopefully, 35 00:01:49,635 --> 00:01:53,320 she won't be running anywhere in those heels. (LAUGHS) 36 00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:56,725 Janice Allsthrop. (APPLAUSE) 37 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,800 (FANFARE) Yeah, well done. Janice. 38 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:07,440 And now the moment we've all been waiting for. (CLEARS THROAT) 39 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:10,537 Oh, crikey Mr Parker, it's down to the wire. 40 00:02:10,572 --> 00:02:14,786 Hold your nerve, Aiden, hold your nerve. 41 00:02:14,821 --> 00:02:19,000 In first place, the Belle of Blackpool 1964, 42 00:02:19,035 --> 00:02:21,685 is Barbara Parker. 43 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,085 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ♪ Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows 44 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,800 ♪ Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together 45 00:02:29,835 --> 00:02:33,085 ♪ Brighter than a lucky penny 46 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,560 ♪ When you're near the rain goes, disappears, dear 47 00:02:36,595 --> 00:02:38,757 ♪ And I feel so fine 48 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,476 49 00:02:40,511 --> 00:02:42,125 ♪ You're in love... 50 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,685 (LAUGHS) ♪ And love is here to stay 51 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,400 Barbara Parker, ladies and gentlemen. Very good. 52 00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:52,405 (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) 53 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,965 Well done, love. (LAUGHS) 54 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,600 Len Phillips, Evening Gazette. So, are we the immediate family? 55 00:02:59,635 --> 00:03:01,765 I'm her father, George Parker. 56 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,000 Excuse me. Coming through. P- A-R-K-E-R.Excuse me. 57 00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:06,597 I'm related too, thank you very much. 58 00:03:06,632 --> 00:03:09,125 Who's this then? The Queen Mother? 59 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,445 I am most certainly not her mother, I'm her Aunt Marie. 60 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,720 - This young buck is Aiden. - Barbara's - fiance. - They won't like that. 61 00:03:16,755 --> 00:03:19,040 Don't want to break the hearts of every lad in Blackpool. 62 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,240 (LAUGHS) I am here, if you want to ask me anything. 63 00:03:24,275 --> 00:03:26,325 No, thanks. I just make the rest up. 64 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,020 All right, then. Out the way! Let's go for the money shot. 65 00:03:30,055 --> 00:03:33,747 Stick your chest out, love. You could be a glamour girl. 66 00:03:33,782 --> 00:03:37,071 - The next Sabrina. - Oh, come on, our Barbara, say cheese. 67 00:03:37,106 --> 00:03:40,360 I sometimes shout out "knickers", just to shake things up. 68 00:03:40,395 --> 00:03:43,400 You want to get used to my colourful sense of humour. 69 00:03:43,435 --> 00:03:46,480 Opening supermarkets, hospitals, dog shows. 70 00:03:46,515 --> 00:03:49,320 You're gonna have a very busy year. 71 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,840 ♪ Open up the sky 72 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,600 ♪ Cos I'm coming up to you 73 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,760 ♪ So send down your wings 74 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,600 ♪ And let 'em bring me to you 75 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,920 ♪ You know, I'm standing at the station 76 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,245 ♪ Ready to go 77 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,440 ♪ Oh, big old aeroplane 78 00:04:19,475 --> 00:04:21,565 ♪ I'm trusting you so 79 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:28,300 ♪ Get on up, big bird, to my baby's love 80 00:04:28,335 --> 00:04:35,000 ♪ Get on up, big bird, I got to make it work 81 00:04:35,035 --> 00:04:37,040 ♪ Get on up, big bird 82 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:48,900 ♪ With me down here 83 00:04:48,935 --> 00:04:53,525 ♪ And you up there 84 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,965 ♪ Now all we know is ♪ All we know is 85 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:02,485 ♪ It ain't no fair... Dear Dad, saying goodbye to you 86 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,120 was the toughest thing I've done since learning long division. 87 00:05:05,155 --> 00:05:09,005 But I had to go. It's now or never. 88 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,845 ♪ And never coming back, get on up... 89 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,005 Tell Aiden he's got full permission to hate me. 90 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,080 But I've got this feeling in my gut that life's got something 91 00:05:18,115 --> 00:05:20,880 more in store for me than being Miss Blackpool Belle. 92 00:05:20,915 --> 00:05:22,965 And now's my chance to find out what. 93 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,640 ♪ Get on up, big bird ♪ Get on up, big bird 94 00:05:26,675 --> 00:05:30,245 ♪ To my baby's love, get on up, big bird. ♪ 95 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:35,560 Dad, it's soft to say I love you, so I won't. But I do. 96 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,960 I'll write as soon as I'm settled. 97 00:05:38,995 --> 00:05:41,240 Bright lights, here I come. 98 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,960 Good morning, madam. Good morning.(CHUCKLES) 99 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,925 Mother of the bride, is it? 100 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:02,800 Er, well, perhaps this hat might suit madam better. 101 00:06:02,835 --> 00:06:06,960 I like this one. What do you think? 102 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:12,960 Have you ever seen a dead badger on the side of the road? 103 00:06:12,995 --> 00:06:16,125 I beg your pardon? Well, you did ask. 104 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,480 She did ask, didn't she? Is there a problem, Barbara? 105 00:06:19,515 --> 00:06:22,765 No, no, Miss Sykes. I was just explaining to madam 106 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:28,000 that this hat makes her head look a little bit like, um... Roadkill. 107 00:06:28,035 --> 00:06:30,045 Yeah. 108 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:36,080 I'm... I'm so sorry, madam, She's from up north. 109 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:44,240 I was just being honest. Honest? Honest. 110 00:06:44,275 --> 00:06:48,017 The only honest opinion madam requires 111 00:06:48,052 --> 00:06:51,760 is to be told that the hat, any hat, 112 00:06:51,795 --> 00:06:56,045 looks absolutely perfect. 113 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,285 (COPIES ACCENT) Absolutely perfect. 114 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,840 Sorry, Miss Sykes, it won't happen again. 115 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,480 (LAUGHTER) 116 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,285 (LAUGHTER) 117 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,765 Whoa! Hazard warning. 118 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,320 That chicken sandwich has been there, like, two weeks. 119 00:07:25,355 --> 00:07:27,325 Oh, it smells a bit ripe. Ripe? 120 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,760 Surprised it hasn't grown legs and run out clucking.(LAUGHS) 121 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,220 Marjorie. Shoes. 122 00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:41,205 Barbara. Hats. 123 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,040 - There you are. - Yeah, of course, you've got a face for hats. 124 00:07:44,075 --> 00:07:45,965 Oh, you haven't seen me in a bobble hat, 125 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,520 I look like a boiled egg - in a tea cosy. - All right, my love? 126 00:07:49,555 --> 00:07:53,685 So, do you know this lot then? No, not personally. 127 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,160 I can tell which departments they work in just by looking at them. 128 00:07:57,195 --> 00:07:59,965 Starting at the top. Of the building? 129 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,565 The league table. - Here you go, Marj. - Cheers, Julie. 130 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:08,520 Now, over here we've got ladies' fashion and couture, first division. 131 00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,680 They all went to Lucie Clayton Modelling School, 132 00:08:10,715 --> 00:08:12,485 they all talk posh, they all walk like 133 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:16,480 they've got a stick up their arse. Never seen one of them eat. 134 00:08:16,515 --> 00:08:19,485 Perhaps they shovel down the pies when they get home. 135 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,280 Oh, no, they don't go home, no. They party all night with pop stars. 136 00:08:23,315 --> 00:08:26,440 - See the redhead? - Yeah. She went on a date with a Beatle. 137 00:08:26,475 --> 00:08:30,120 No! Yeah.(GASPS) He's just the drummer, though, so... 138 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,040 Next floor down, you've got make-up. 139 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,405 So, you can be pretty and, like, short, 140 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:43,120 but you can't have the wonky teeth. Well, no. Who wants buy lippy 141 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:46,960 off someone with a gob like Ken Dodd? (LAUGHS) 142 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,765 Now, over here we've got perfume. 143 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,920 Law unto themselves that lot. What do you mean? 144 00:08:54,955 --> 00:08:58,005 Men come in to buy gifts for their ladies, yeah? 145 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:02,160 They ask the girls to spritz on themselves so they can smell it. 146 00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:06,280 That's Millie. One geezer sniffed all the way up to her armpit. 147 00:09:06,315 --> 00:09:08,680 Then he gave it a lick. Oh! 148 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,840 And that's you, hats. 149 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,680 So, what are we in hats? Bottom of the league table? 150 00:09:18,715 --> 00:09:21,640 No, no, that's us, in shoes. 151 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,405 Whoops! Sorry. 152 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,360 I could kill her. Now, you'll find us in the basement, 153 00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:30,165 just follow the cheesy pong. 154 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,240 Thanks for the rundown, Marjorie. 155 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,040 Hey, it's Marj. 156 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,480 If you want. 157 00:09:38,515 --> 00:09:40,400 Marj. 158 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,165 Where are you living then? Bed and breakfast. 159 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,540 Just moved down from Blackpool. - Blackpool? - Mm-hm! 160 00:09:49,575 --> 00:09:51,967 Is that why you talk funny? From where I'm standing, 161 00:09:52,002 --> 00:09:54,360 you're the one who talks funny. I'm from Croydon, 162 00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:57,560 we all sound like this. See you. 163 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,200 Er, look, I've... I've got a room in Earl's Court. 164 00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:05,325 Good for you. What? No. 165 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,160 I mean, you can move in, if you like. 166 00:10:09,195 --> 00:10:11,000 I'm looking for a flatmate, so... 167 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,360 OK. 168 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,600 (LAUGHS) 169 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,880 ♪ What are we here? 170 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,320 ♪ Landlords and pressure tenants 171 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,285 ♪ What are we here? 172 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,240 ♪ Landlords and pressure tenants 173 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,360 ♪ It come like everything crash 174 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,365 ♪ Them nah want you for use the gas 175 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,360 ♪ Put in shilling for get a bath... - Hiya. - All right? 176 00:10:50,395 --> 00:10:52,777 You've got so much stuff. 177 00:10:52,812 --> 00:10:55,766 It's mainly hairspray. 178 00:10:55,801 --> 00:10:58,685 OK. ♪ What are we here? 179 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,800 ♪ Landlords and pressure tenants... 180 00:11:00,835 --> 00:11:03,137 You coming? Ugh! 181 00:11:03,172 --> 00:11:05,405 This is Sandra. 182 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:09,120 - - Hiya. - Hi. - All right? ♪ Landlords and pressure tenants. ♪ 183 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,080 It's only one more flight. You said that two flights ago. 184 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,240 Come in. Oop! 185 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,720 Welcome to Maison a la Marj. 186 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,240 Kitchen's just there. This is the bedroom. 187 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,340 That's my bed, this is your bed here, by the window. 188 00:11:35,375 --> 00:11:38,520 I can't sleep in a draft because of my adenoids. 189 00:11:38,555 --> 00:11:40,565 (SNORES) 190 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,300 Mayday, mayday, London calling. It's groovy here, Dad. 191 00:11:44,335 --> 00:11:48,000 I've landed on my feet in a swanky penthouse flat. 192 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,880 By night, you'll find me enjoying cocktails and witty repartee. 193 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,365 (SNORES) By day, I've got a job in the West End, 194 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,680 giving high-class ladies expert advice on fancy hats. 195 00:12:00,715 --> 00:12:03,045 Absolutely perfect. 196 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,325 It's a bit different to rolling sticks of rock. 197 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,760 But I sometimes miss the heady pong of sugar up my nose. 198 00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:11,117 Say hello to Auntie Marie and tell her 199 00:12:11,152 --> 00:12:13,405 I've still got ideas above my station. 200 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,900 You never know, I could be the biggest thing 201 00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,360 to come out of Blackpool since you-know-who 202 00:12:18,395 --> 00:12:20,840 and the you-know-whats. 203 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,000 Big kiss, Dad. Ying tong iddle I po. 204 00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:27,885 Lucy, ready? Hello, friends. 205 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,720 I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? 206 00:12:31,755 --> 00:12:34,445 Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? 207 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,760 The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle. 208 00:12:37,795 --> 00:12:39,920 Er, little bottle. (LAUGHTER) 209 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,125 Good, I haven't missed it. 210 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,240 Oh, what are we having for our tea tonight? 211 00:12:48,275 --> 00:12:50,285 Oh, it depends what you're cooking. 212 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:54,320 Marj, would you stop using my best saucepan to boil your pants! 213 00:12:54,355 --> 00:12:57,205 Well, how else am I meant to get the stains out? 214 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,540 I've just spent an hour at the laundrette, why didn't you come? 215 00:13:00,575 --> 00:13:03,840 Because I don't want strangers just staring at me knick-knocks. 216 00:13:03,875 --> 00:13:06,605 At least I caught a bit of Lucille Ball. 217 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:11,005 So, that was a bonus. Hey, maybe we should get a telly? 218 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:15,200 I'm not watching that I Love Lucy lady, she gets me all wound up. 219 00:13:15,235 --> 00:13:18,285 Pulling funny faces and falling on her backside. 220 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,445 What kind of job is that? That's worse than working in shoes. 221 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:25,720 I'd love to get paid to muck about. - What? On telly? - Yeah. Why not? 222 00:13:25,755 --> 00:13:29,245 You wanna be an actress? Well, maybe, I don't know. 223 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,000 My dad says that actresses are no better than common prostitutes. 224 00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:35,040 Is your dad a vicar from Victorian times? 225 00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,365 No, he works at the car plant. 226 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,605 - Oh! - Oh! - Bloody hell. - Aah. 227 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,680 Never mind a telly, we haven't even got enough money to pay the meter. 228 00:13:44,715 --> 00:13:47,880 Hey, give me some change. I splashed out on the tumble dryer. 229 00:13:47,915 --> 00:13:49,840 - Oh. - Oh! What are we gonna do now? 230 00:13:49,875 --> 00:13:51,880 Oh! Hang on. It's just started. 231 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,085 (STATIC) (THEME TUNE) 232 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:59,840 The Awkward Squad is written by Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes. 233 00:13:59,875 --> 00:14:03,657 (THEY TALK GIBBERISH) Produced and directed by Dennis Mohindra. 234 00:14:03,692 --> 00:14:07,440 (THEY LAUGH) That's Smythe, played by... Smythe played by... 235 00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:09,720 ...Clive Richardson! ... Clive Richardson! 236 00:14:09,755 --> 00:14:12,605 Excuse me, but who's in charge here? 237 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:17,080 - - You are! - You are! - A family of six are moving in from Glasgow tomorrow. 238 00:14:17,115 --> 00:14:20,160 I haven't got time to be cooking and cleaning up after you. 239 00:14:20,195 --> 00:14:22,285 Oh, Marie, just leave it, you know, 240 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,040 go and see to your guests at Seagull's Hall. 241 00:14:25,075 --> 00:14:27,045 Nook, Seagull's Nook. 242 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,640 And you'll do your washing and run a vacuum round too, will you? 243 00:14:29,675 --> 00:14:33,000 (SCOFFS) I'd like to see that. Well, I'll just do it later. 244 00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:37,045 Just leave it. It may have escaped your notice 245 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,320 but she's the same age as her mother when she left. 246 00:14:39,355 --> 00:14:41,845 She's not gonna disappear like Gloria. 247 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,205 She just needs to spread her wings, that's all. 248 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,840 Well, might not be all she's spreading if she's not careful. 249 00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:49,997 Marie, please. She... She can handle herself. 250 00:14:50,032 --> 00:14:53,120 Listen, just because we didn't get any chances, 251 00:14:53,155 --> 00:14:55,165 doesn't mean to say she shouldn't. 252 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,720 You made her think she's - something special. - But she is. 253 00:14:57,755 --> 00:15:00,240 She's swanned off to London... I always told her that... like, 254 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,805 like she's above the lot of us. 255 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,440 But she doesn't mean it like that. So, what was wrong with Aiden? 256 00:15:04,475 --> 00:15:07,245 I was in there for sausage this morning, I was mortified. 257 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,200 If she'd played her cards right, she could have been betrothed 258 00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:12,400 to the best-looking butcher in Blackpool. 259 00:15:12,435 --> 00:15:14,440 Well... 260 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,445 Keep out of this Private Private. 261 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,245 So sorry, didn't realise it was private. 262 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,480 Excuse me, but who's in charge here? (LAUGHS) You are! 263 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,480 ♪ You can't despise what you want to do... 264 00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:39,000 Absolutely perfect. 265 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:47,400 Absolutely perfect. Absolutely perfect. 266 00:15:47,435 --> 00:15:49,957 Absolutely perfect. 267 00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:53,116 Absolutely per-fect! 268 00:15:53,151 --> 00:15:56,205 Ab-so-lute-ly per-fect. 269 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:00,460 ♪ You've got to do it yourself now. ♪ 270 00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:04,680 I love it. How do I get from this to this? 271 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,360 You could always apply for a promotion to the perfume counter. 272 00:16:08,395 --> 00:16:12,560 Minnie saw, um, Jimmy Tarbuck in the London Palladium. 273 00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:15,997 Blimey. Do they get paid loads more in perfume? 274 00:16:16,032 --> 00:16:19,336 Don't be a twerp, she ain't got money for a ticket. 275 00:16:19,371 --> 00:16:22,640 Her gentleman friend has. All the girls on perfume 276 00:16:22,675 --> 00:16:25,317 get taken to shows by gentlemen friends. 277 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,960 You'd have no trouble reeling one in. 278 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,205 Barb, darling, thanks so much for this. 279 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,840 - No problem. - Need to pop to the - clinic for some clap cream. - Yeah. 280 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,740 He looks like he might be on the prowl. 281 00:16:45,775 --> 00:16:48,040 Go on, Barb darling, give him an eyeful. 282 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:50,040 Right. 283 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,925 Do you know what Marilyn Monroe said 284 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,200 when she was asked what she - - wore in bed? - No. - Chanel No. 5. 285 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,920 Oh! She'd have got terrible chilblains 286 00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:19,960 on a nippy night in Norbreck. 287 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,605 Barbara. (GASPS) 288 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,200 I wasn't aware you'd been transferred to parfum. 289 00:17:27,235 --> 00:17:30,760 Yep, temporarily. Millie had to pop to the clinic. 290 00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:33,637 What for? Clap... ping. 291 00:17:33,672 --> 00:17:36,445 Clap, clap, clapping cream. 292 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,845 Er, she... she... Ooh, she can't clap 293 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,080 because her hands are red raw, a terrible affliction, can't clap. 294 00:17:42,115 --> 00:17:44,245 You were recommending this? 295 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:48,360 Yes. It's a lovely eau de toilet. 296 00:17:48,395 --> 00:17:51,165 Toilette. That's the one. 297 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,360 Well, er, I'd like to see how it smells. 298 00:17:54,395 --> 00:17:56,960 Of course. Allow me. 299 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,500 Hm. Hm. 300 00:18:09,535 --> 00:18:11,885 Hmmm! 301 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,820 Where's this Valentine lord fella taking you then? 302 00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,685 We're going to see Matt Munro at the Talk Of The Town. 303 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,400 - Ooh, fancy pants. - Next time, I'll ask if he's got a friend. 304 00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,885 What type do you fancy? 305 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,405 I like any type. Get off! Get off! 306 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,720 (LAUGHS) What are you gonna wear then? 307 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,685 Me smart dress. 308 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,760 Oh, nice, if you're going to a funeral. 309 00:18:35,795 --> 00:18:38,600 Have you not got anything sparkly? 310 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,520 Close your eyes. 311 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,885 Oh, my god! Where did you get that? 312 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,360 It was me mum's, she loved a bit of ballroom back in the day, 313 00:18:56,395 --> 00:18:58,845 so I'm told. What do you reckon? 314 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,800 You look like an explosion at a tinsel factory. (LAUGHS) 315 00:19:02,835 --> 00:19:06,800 Oh! Well, what am I gonna wear then? 316 00:19:06,835 --> 00:19:08,840 (SUCKS TEETH) 317 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,000 You leave this one to me. 318 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,600 Psst. 319 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,845 Hey! (GASPS) 320 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,365 What was in the other bag? 321 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,360 Diet pills, my dad sends them, I usually flush 'em down the lav 322 00:19:58,395 --> 00:20:00,560 but, occasionally, they come in handy. 323 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,725 ♪ Downtown 324 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,920 ♪ Things will be great when you're 325 00:20:09,955 --> 00:20:11,885 ♪ Downtown 326 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,840 ♪ No finer place for sure 327 00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:15,765 ♪ Downtown 328 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:21,640 ♪ Everything's waiting for you ♪ Downtown 329 00:20:21,675 --> 00:20:25,525 ♪ Downtown... (CHATTER) 330 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,080 ♪ Downtown... Here ya go, love. 331 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,160 ♪ Downtown, Downtown 332 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,400 ♪ Downtown. ♪ 333 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,480 You look ravishing. 334 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,600 Campari and soda for the lady. 335 00:20:51,635 --> 00:20:53,605 Thanks. 336 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,440 Oh, do I drink it or gargle it? 337 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,140 Come here often, do you? Well, let's just say 338 00:21:01,175 --> 00:21:03,885 I have the occasional business rendezvous. 339 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,045 And what do you do after you've done your business? 340 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,680 - I beg your pardon? - Oh, sorry, that sounded wrong. (LAUGHS) 341 00:21:08,715 --> 00:21:12,317 Um, I meant after the show, do you go backstage 342 00:21:12,352 --> 00:21:15,885 and mingle with the stars? Or have a cocktail? 343 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:20,760 Oh, don't you worry, I have plans for us later.(LAUGHS) 344 00:21:20,795 --> 00:21:23,440 Valentine, is that you? 345 00:21:23,475 --> 00:21:25,400 Sidney. 346 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,960 And your lovely lady wife. Hello, Audrey. What a nice surprise. 347 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,645 (CHUCKLES) Aren't you going to introduce us? 348 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:40,520 Yes, this is Barbara, she's my... A secretary in my office. 349 00:21:40,555 --> 00:21:43,125 Yeah, she's nuts about Matt Munro, 350 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:47,360 and when a ticket unexpectedly came up she jumped at the chance. 351 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:52,720 - Hm! - Well, Sidney, why don't we get the ladies a proper drink 352 00:21:52,755 --> 00:21:55,920 and then we can discuss business. Would you excuse us? 353 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,400 We've got a table. 354 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,360 You're welcome to my Campari, Audrey, I haven't touched it. 355 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,280 No? I don't blame you. (LAUGHS) It smells like toilet bleach. 356 00:22:16,315 --> 00:22:20,160 He may not be wearing a ring but he is married, you know? 357 00:22:20,195 --> 00:22:22,240 Who? Sidney? 358 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:27,800 You know who I mean. He's married to Joan. 359 00:22:27,835 --> 00:22:30,080 And they have two children. 360 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,120 But I don't expect your sort care much about that. 361 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,560 What sort is that, exactly? 362 00:22:37,595 --> 00:22:39,840 A good-time girl. 363 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,520 Out for what she can get from unsuspecting married men. 364 00:22:44,555 --> 00:22:47,320 Come along, ladies. Matt Munro is about to begin. 365 00:22:47,355 --> 00:22:49,160 How's your wife, Valentine? 366 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,200 Um, she's a bit under - the weather, actually. - Hm. 367 00:22:54,235 --> 00:22:57,005 I think I might have caught what she's got, 368 00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:00,120 a touch of having the wool pulled over your eyes-itis. 369 00:23:00,155 --> 00:23:03,565 It was nice to meet you, Audrey. 370 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,240 Sidney. And, Valentine, send my commiserations to Joan. 371 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,680 (CHATTER) 372 00:23:17,715 --> 00:23:19,965 (APPLAUSE) 373 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,520 Oh, you leaving already? Don't ask. 374 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,760 I like your dress. Borrowed from work. 375 00:23:29,795 --> 00:23:31,765 Turns out I needn't have bothered. 376 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,285 Plus it's about as comfortable as being sewn into a wind sock. 377 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,800 Bloody nightmare if you need a wazz. (LAUGHS) The ladies is that way. 378 00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:42,280 Shout if you need help with the zipper, I'll hold onto your coat. 379 00:23:42,315 --> 00:23:46,520 Soft, what light from yonder window breaks. 380 00:23:46,555 --> 00:23:48,437 Oh, you can bugger off and all. 381 00:23:48,472 --> 00:23:50,285 Hey, you don't remember me, do you? 382 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,520 We met at the first night of that Arthur Askey film you were in. 383 00:23:53,555 --> 00:23:56,560 What a revelation. I've not been in any film. 384 00:23:56,595 --> 00:23:59,845 Matt Monro! My dear, I'm terribly sorry. 385 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,205 (LAUGHS) I could have sworn you were Sabrina. 386 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,960 I'm not bloody Sabrina! And you fellas might learn to tell us apart 387 00:24:05,995 --> 00:24:08,800 if you ever bothered to look above a woman's neck. 388 00:24:08,835 --> 00:24:11,405 Might I buy you a drink by way of apology? 389 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:17,440 - You've got to be joking. - I never joke, absolutely no sense of humour. 390 00:24:17,475 --> 00:24:20,457 (LAUGHS) My name is Brian Debenham. 391 00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:23,405 And this is my dear wife, Patsy. 392 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,640 Oh, I say, you are awfully pretty, - Right up your street, Brian. - Hm. 393 00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:30,285 Rather like Sabrina. - She doesn't like to hear that. - Oh! 394 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:33,725 And I don't like it when men try to pick me up while their wives 395 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,860 - are watching! - But we're not trying to pick you up for kinky sex. 396 00:24:37,895 --> 00:24:41,960 No, my dear. What I've got planned for you is much grubbier than that. 397 00:24:41,995 --> 00:24:44,720 (LAUGHS) Was it something I said? 398 00:24:44,755 --> 00:24:46,840 Everything. Come on, Patsy. 399 00:24:46,875 --> 00:24:51,320 ♪ For your sake I say 400 00:24:51,355 --> 00:24:53,360 ♪ Walk away 401 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,240 ♪ Just go 402 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,640 ♪ Walk away and live 403 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,240 ♪ A life that's full 404 00:25:07,275 --> 00:25:09,765 ♪ With no regrets 405 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,480 ♪ Don't look back at me 406 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,520 ♪ Just try to forget 407 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,560 ♪ Why build a dream... 408 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:30,440 Alone at last. We both know what we're here for. 409 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,605 (WHIMPERS) What are you doing? 410 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,960 I'm gonna have what I paid for. No! (DRESS RIPS) 411 00:25:35,995 --> 00:25:38,717 No! (CRIES) 412 00:25:38,752 --> 00:25:41,440 (CRIES) Ugh! 413 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,980 ♪ Just run, run away 414 00:25:46,015 --> 00:25:49,040 ♪ Mm-mm... Ugh! 415 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,040 Kick him in the cock! 416 00:25:53,075 --> 00:25:55,120 Ugh! Argh! Argh! 417 00:25:55,155 --> 00:25:56,565 Oh! 418 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,400 ♪ My tears will fall 419 00:25:59,435 --> 00:26:02,577 ♪ Now that you're gone 420 00:26:02,612 --> 00:26:05,720 ♪ I can't help but cry 421 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,760 ♪ But I must go on 422 00:26:12,795 --> 00:26:17,280 ♪ I'm sad that I 423 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:22,480 ♪ Have been searching so long 424 00:26:22,515 --> 00:26:25,557 ♪ You, I love you 425 00:26:25,592 --> 00:26:28,600 ♪ I love you. ♪ 426 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,685 (CLEARS THROAT) 427 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,840 Here, my business card. 428 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,965 We told you it was grubby. 429 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,205 Come and see me in the office sometime. 430 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,640 There's a lot of opportunity for a girl like you. 431 00:26:50,675 --> 00:26:52,440 (CHUCKLES) 432 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:58,320 Take a taxi home, darling. The rain plays havoc with a hair piece. 433 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:16,960 (LAUGHS) Heavy night on the Babycham, was it? 434 00:27:16,995 --> 00:27:19,277 How is our old pal, Valentine? 435 00:27:19,312 --> 00:27:21,560 Valentine was not a gentleman. 436 00:27:21,595 --> 00:27:23,605 (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) 437 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,580 I think the word gentleman in gentleman's friend 438 00:27:26,615 --> 00:27:29,520 is a bit like the word public in public school. 439 00:27:29,555 --> 00:27:31,525 Probably should have warned you. 440 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,320 Those perfume fellas just want it on a plate. 441 00:27:34,355 --> 00:27:36,400 Thought you'd know that. 442 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,400 Why, what's the matter? You're not a virgin, are you? 443 00:27:41,435 --> 00:27:44,240 Are you? (LAUGHS) Shut up! 444 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,405 The point is, you don't look like a virgin, 445 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,005 so you should probably expect fellas to have a crack. 446 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:53,480 No, Marj, the point is, it's one thing choosing to go with a fella, 447 00:27:53,515 --> 00:27:56,920 it's quite another thing when a man thinks its his for the taking. 448 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,125 Right, well, come on missus, 449 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,325 get your clobber on, we're late for work. 450 00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:19,280 Actually, Marj, could you drop the dress back with ladies' fashion, 451 00:28:19,315 --> 00:28:21,560 I'm not up to hats today. 452 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,160 (SIGHS) 453 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,280 Sorry, I've only got enough coppers for me weekly call with me dad. 454 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,925 He says patience is a virtue. 455 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,400 He's not the one that's sitting in the freezing cold 456 00:28:53,435 --> 00:28:55,600 eating pilchards from a tin. 457 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,165 Perfect timing. 458 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:04,120 (RADIO ON) George, look who's just dropped by 459 00:29:04,155 --> 00:29:07,117 with a lovely bit of... tripe. Ha! 460 00:29:07,152 --> 00:29:10,045 Eh up, Mr Parker. All right, Aiden. 461 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,005 Would you like a cuppa, Aiden? Oh, I'd love one. 462 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:15,720 I'm absolutely parched. George, where are your manners? 463 00:29:15,755 --> 00:29:18,920 Go and make Aiden a nice cup of tea. No, wait. 464 00:29:18,955 --> 00:29:21,360 George? Oh! 465 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,805 (PHONE RINGS) 466 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,740 Barbara, it's me. Aiden! What are you doing there? 467 00:29:28,775 --> 00:29:31,807 What are you doing there? You've made your point, 468 00:29:31,842 --> 00:29:34,840 it's time to stop faffing around and come home. 469 00:29:34,875 --> 00:29:38,565 Please, I need to speak to me dad. 470 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,200 Here, here, there you go. Give us the phone. 471 00:29:41,235 --> 00:29:43,680 Dad? Dad, are you there? Barbara? 472 00:29:43,715 --> 00:29:45,685 Mayday, mayday! 473 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,760 Hey, how was Matt Munro? 474 00:29:47,795 --> 00:29:50,177 Er, Dad... 475 00:29:50,212 --> 00:29:52,560 (BEEPING) 476 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,680 Are you all right, love? Um... 477 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,560 Remember, love, if at first you don't succeed, come home and have... 478 00:30:00,595 --> 00:30:02,600 (BEEPING) 479 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,640 (DISCONNECTED TONE) No! 480 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:14,200 ♪ Pretend you're happy when you're blue 481 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:20,240 ♪ It isn't very hard to do 482 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:27,160 ♪ And you'll find happiness without an end 483 00:30:27,195 --> 00:30:32,960 ♪ Whenever you pretend 484 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:39,480 ♪ Remember anyone can dream 485 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:46,360 ♪ And nothing's as bad as it may seem. ♪ 486 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,320 I don't think we were properly introduced. 487 00:30:50,355 --> 00:30:52,765 I'm Barbara Parker. 488 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,760 Why are you here, Barbara Parker? 489 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,360 You gave me your business card. 490 00:30:59,395 --> 00:31:01,977 No, I mean here in London. 491 00:31:02,012 --> 00:31:04,525 Tell me all about yourself? 492 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:09,485 Hm? Oh! Um, I was born in Blackpool. 493 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:14,760 - Hmm! - And I came to London to be... someone. 494 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:17,880 Anyone in particular? 495 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,765 Are you tired? Listless? Run down? 496 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,480 Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Then try Vitavigavegivat. 497 00:31:25,515 --> 00:31:27,485 Goodness gracious me. 498 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,205 Do you not know Lucille Ball? 499 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:34,840 What on earth has dear Lucille got to do with anything? 500 00:31:34,875 --> 00:31:40,325 Wonderful legs, of course, but, unfortunately, 501 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:44,880 she was forced to make faces in order to pay the rent. 502 00:31:44,915 --> 00:31:49,400 No. You, you have something different.(CLEARS THROAT) 503 00:31:49,435 --> 00:31:53,925 You have star quality. 504 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,160 Hm!(CHUCKLES) Would you like an egg? 505 00:31:57,195 --> 00:31:59,525 No, thank you. 506 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:04,080 Um, are you the agent of all these famous people? 507 00:32:04,115 --> 00:32:07,537 Many have sat where you are sitting 508 00:32:07,572 --> 00:32:11,206 at some point in their careers. 509 00:32:11,241 --> 00:32:14,840 And the others I, er... (SNIFFS) 510 00:32:14,875 --> 00:32:17,757 ...pin up for inspiration. 511 00:32:17,792 --> 00:32:20,605 So, let's get cracking. 512 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:25,880 (LAUGHS) We don't want the bloom to go off the rose, do we, er, 513 00:32:25,915 --> 00:32:28,165 Barbara? 514 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:30,840 Any relevant experience? 515 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,205 Me dad says I'm good at doing voices. 516 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,240 Well, we'll be sure to put that on your curriculum vita. 517 00:32:37,275 --> 00:32:40,160 No experience at all. 518 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,120 Not unless you count being Miss Blackpool Belle. 519 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,805 Miss Blackpool Belle? Well, now you're talking. 520 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:54,160 That is something I can work with. Hm, local beauty queen, 521 00:32:54,195 --> 00:32:57,205 our very own Cinderella. I love it. 522 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,440 So, can I give up me job at Lewis Peters? 523 00:33:00,475 --> 00:33:03,320 Well, let's not do anything rash... 524 00:33:03,355 --> 00:33:05,005 (LAUGHS).. Barbara. 525 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,680 Barbara, what did you say your name was? 526 00:33:07,715 --> 00:33:10,240 Parker. Barbara Parker. 527 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:16,560 Barbara is ever so slightly provincial, hm? 528 00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:19,445 What do you think of Sophie? 529 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:22,560 Do I know her? No, I mean the name Sophie. 530 00:33:22,595 --> 00:33:27,165 How about Sophie Straw? Hm? 531 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:32,040 It's modern, it's fresh, it's alliterative. 532 00:33:32,075 --> 00:33:34,520 Hm! It's like Sandy Shaw. 533 00:33:34,555 --> 00:33:36,525 Sophie Straw? 534 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,245 It sounds like a type of animal feed. 535 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:43,805 Precisely. If even I, a happily married man, 536 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:47,440 deeply in love with his wife, ends up thinking about 537 00:33:47,475 --> 00:33:49,565 rolls in the hay with Sophie Straw, 538 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:53,760 imagine what all the unhappily married men will feel like? 539 00:33:53,795 --> 00:33:57,560 Rolls in the hay? Well, figuratively speaking. 540 00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:05,680 I'll be Sophie, I suppose, if you think it will help me get a job. 541 00:34:05,715 --> 00:34:09,597 Wonderful news. To that end, I'll ask Patsy, my wife, 542 00:34:09,632 --> 00:34:13,480 to go out shopping with you for a lovely gingham bikini. 543 00:34:13,515 --> 00:34:15,897 - Bikini? - Hm. It's coming on winter. 544 00:34:15,932 --> 00:34:18,186 Yeah, you can wear it for your auditions, 545 00:34:18,221 --> 00:34:20,630 so that everyone can see your lovely shape. 546 00:34:20,665 --> 00:34:23,040 If I wanted to shimmy about in me swimmers, 547 00:34:23,075 --> 00:34:24,845 I could have stayed in Blackpool. 548 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:28,200 Are you telling me you actually want to act? 549 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,845 Oh, well, hm! That's it. 550 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:37,040 Well, we'll send you out on some auditions, with words, 551 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:40,080 and we'll call it a trial period. 552 00:34:40,115 --> 00:34:43,640 A trial period, no bikinis. 553 00:34:43,675 --> 00:34:45,805 Yet. 554 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:48,400 Ever. (LAUGHS) 555 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,560 Oh, Pats, will you get me the toast, please? 556 00:34:52,595 --> 00:34:54,480 Of course, darling, butter on both sides? 557 00:34:54,515 --> 00:34:56,400 ♪ I can't sit still 558 00:34:57,200 --> 00:35:00,440 ♪ With the hippy hippy shakes 559 00:35:00,475 --> 00:35:03,757 ♪ Yeah, I get my fill now 560 00:35:03,792 --> 00:35:07,005 ♪ With the hippy hippy shakes 561 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,040 ♪ Yeah, it's in the bag. ♪ Fancy a cuppa? 562 00:35:10,075 --> 00:35:13,417 I've got news. Oh, I've got news too. 563 00:35:13,452 --> 00:35:16,126 Shall I go first or...? You got the sack. 564 00:35:16,161 --> 00:35:18,800 Sykesy told me to give you that letter 565 00:35:18,835 --> 00:35:20,840 and tell you not to come back. 566 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,485 How did she know about the dress? 567 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,725 She saw it. Apparently, when they took it out the bag 568 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:33,600 in ladies' fashion, it was so crispy that it stood up on its own. 569 00:35:33,635 --> 00:35:36,845 Did you get in trouble? No. 570 00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:40,125 Sykesy gave a talking to all the girls in perfume, 571 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:43,840 make-up and fashion about loose - morals. - Oh, god! This is awful. 572 00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:46,317 I know, she didn't bother with us in shoes 573 00:35:46,352 --> 00:35:48,760 cos, apparently, we're not at risk. Rude. 574 00:35:48,795 --> 00:35:50,765 Well, in that case, 575 00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:54,440 it's just as well that I got myself a theatrical agent. 576 00:35:54,475 --> 00:35:56,480 (LAUGHS) 577 00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:01,925 Whoo! 578 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:06,565 It's a brand-new farce called Move Over, Madam, 579 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:11,000 and your character is a flighty young debutante whom the male lead, 580 00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:12,685 Nigel, is keen to tup. 581 00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:15,320 He is, of course, prevented from doing so 582 00:36:15,355 --> 00:36:18,040 by his shrewish hag of a wife. 583 00:36:18,075 --> 00:36:20,960 Page 23, scene four. 584 00:36:20,995 --> 00:36:23,445 And action! 585 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:28,340 For extra penetration, wash your whites in Ripples. 586 00:36:28,375 --> 00:36:33,200 Mm! Ripples, for when things get really filthy. 587 00:36:33,235 --> 00:36:36,377 No, Nigel! We can't do it here! 588 00:36:36,412 --> 00:36:39,206 Not with your wife upstairs. Stop! 589 00:36:39,241 --> 00:36:41,900 Her shape's all wrong for our brand. 590 00:36:41,935 --> 00:36:44,560 I'm sorry, not this time, darling. 591 00:36:44,595 --> 00:36:46,800 Are you trying something? 592 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:51,640 What? What do you mean am...? I mean, that there, the accent. 593 00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:55,480 It's not an accent, it's how I talk. 594 00:36:55,515 --> 00:36:57,760 Oh, dear. 595 00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,880 Hiya. 596 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:12,360 Maybe you shouldn't try for that. 597 00:37:12,395 --> 00:37:16,080 ♪ If you should lose me 598 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,205 ♪ Oh, yeah 599 00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:22,200 ♪ You'll lose a good thing 600 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:30,720 ♪ If you should lose me 601 00:37:30,755 --> 00:37:32,805 ♪ Oh, yeah 602 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:35,605 ♪ You'll lose a good thing. ♪ 603 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:40,840 I'm either the wrong type, wrong shape, or just plain wrong. 604 00:37:40,875 --> 00:37:43,565 Perhaps our accent is holding us back? 605 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,640 I thought kitchen-sink drama was all the rage. 606 00:37:46,675 --> 00:37:49,325 For angry young men, dear. 607 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,560 Nobody wants an angry young woman to come romping around the stage 608 00:37:52,595 --> 00:37:55,205 beating her breasts like an orangutan. 609 00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:58,760 I can't help feeling we've rather run out of options 610 00:37:58,795 --> 00:38:02,837 on the, er, speaking part front. 611 00:38:02,872 --> 00:38:06,880 (PATSY TALKS ON PHONE INDISTINCTLY) 612 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,605 Go to this address, tell them I sent you. 613 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:16,400 And if you don't get this part, I'm afraid our trial period is over. 614 00:38:16,435 --> 00:38:19,920 I'd rather be cleaning toilets. 615 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:25,080 There is a call about who you sent for casting in The Dining In. 616 00:38:25,115 --> 00:38:27,120 Not a happy bunny. 617 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,685 And a very good morning to you too, Beryl. 618 00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:33,240 "Why did you send to the casting of the role of the virgin bride 619 00:38:33,275 --> 00:38:36,645 "an actress who is five months pregnant?"Oh! 620 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,120 "I have ceased with your services forever, Brian. " 621 00:38:39,155 --> 00:38:43,237 I'm sorry you feel that way. (INDISTINCT) Oh! 622 00:38:43,272 --> 00:38:47,320 (SIGHS) It's just a silly old comedy playhouse, 623 00:38:47,355 --> 00:38:50,240 no money to be made there, darling. 624 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:55,040 Comedy playhouse? Comedy shit-house. - Pardon my French. - Comedy playhouse? 625 00:38:55,075 --> 00:38:57,565 I'd love to do one of those. (LAUGHS) 626 00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:00,240 Well, why didn't I think of that, eh? Look at this, 627 00:39:00,275 --> 00:39:03,525 Cicely is well spoken, petite, brunette, 628 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:07,205 the varsity-educated daughter of a fucking clergyman! 629 00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:11,360 Of course, you're perfect casting! Deep breath, deep breath, darling. 630 00:39:11,395 --> 00:39:15,480 - Shall I loosen this? - Yes. I've spent my whole life being helpful. 631 00:39:15,515 --> 00:39:19,880 (MUSIC PLAYS).. written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner, 632 00:39:19,915 --> 00:39:22,320 directed and produced by Dennis Mohindra. 633 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:54,080 Thank you so much. Marvellous work as always. We'll be in touch. 634 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:57,600 Oh, could you show - Marcie out, please? - Of course. 635 00:39:57,635 --> 00:40:00,057 We can catch up on all the theatre gossip. 636 00:40:00,092 --> 00:40:02,746 I hear there's been much ado about nothing 637 00:40:02,781 --> 00:40:05,400 over Richard Burton's Hamlet. (LAUGHS) 638 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,120 Hello? - Oh! My goodness! - Oh! 639 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:25,840 Um... 640 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:30,960 Sorry. I'll give you a hand. No, sorry. Yes. 641 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,365 I haven't missed it, have I? The audition? 642 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:40,080 I just saw Beryl in the corridor and she said to get a wriggle on. 643 00:40:40,115 --> 00:40:42,445 Beryl said that? 644 00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:44,565 Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry, Miss... 645 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,160 Um... Sorry. We weren't, um, expecting anyone else. 646 00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:52,920 My agent definitely arranged for me to meet you at 20 past. 647 00:40:52,955 --> 00:40:55,280 Er, Beryl said to start without her. 648 00:40:55,315 --> 00:40:57,405 I'm Sophie Straw. 649 00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:02,680 Er, Dennis. Dennis Mohindra. (GASPS) Mr Mohindra! 650 00:41:02,715 --> 00:41:05,400 I've listened to every single Awkward Squad, 651 00:41:05,435 --> 00:41:09,440 it's the best thing since... sausages. 652 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:15,600 Sorry, I don't even know what - that means. - Nice, well, thank you. 653 00:41:15,635 --> 00:41:19,960 (LAUGHS) Could you give me just one moment? 654 00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:31,445 Um, apparently, there's one more young lady for us. 655 00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:35,080 Oh, Jesus, seriously? I thought we all decided on Marcia Bell. 656 00:41:35,115 --> 00:41:37,485 You might have decided on Marcia Bell on the basis that 657 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,440 - you want to fuck her. - Oh, that ship's already sailed, actually. 658 00:41:40,475 --> 00:41:42,685 But we haven't decided, right, Tony? 659 00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:45,720 Well, she looks right for the part, she's a very good classical actress 660 00:41:45,755 --> 00:41:48,520 - but is she funny? - Er, no. She doesn't have to be funny. 661 00:41:48,555 --> 00:41:50,885 I'm funny. The script's funny... in places. 662 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:53,520 Oh, steady on, Clive, you almost gave the writers a compliment. 663 00:41:53,555 --> 00:41:56,697 In that case, I take it back. Fascinating as this discussion is, 664 00:41:56,732 --> 00:41:59,840 can we hear the young lady read, we've got to be out of here by 6pm. 665 00:41:59,875 --> 00:42:01,605 Well, bring her in, surely she can't be 666 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,720 more wrong for the part than the other 20 we've seen. 667 00:42:04,755 --> 00:42:08,645 Hi, everyone. (LAUGHS) 668 00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,205 So sorry, Miss Straw. Er, please. 669 00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:14,125 I'm joking, apologies. For some stupid reason, 670 00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:18,560 I imagined Cicely as the well-educated, upper class, 671 00:42:18,595 --> 00:42:20,525 petite, brunette daughter of a vicar. 672 00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:22,965 I am brunette, honest. Under the peroxide. 673 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,780 I know I don't look like how you imagine Cicely 674 00:42:25,815 --> 00:42:28,525 but you lot don't look like how I imagined. 675 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,240 I thought you'd all be tweedy posh lads with pipes. 676 00:42:31,275 --> 00:42:33,845 You're Clive, aren't you? 677 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:38,160 Yes, you've seen me on the stage. Did you catch his Coriolanus? 678 00:42:38,195 --> 00:42:40,765 No, I had the vaccine. (LAUGHS) 679 00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:44,600 Sorry. No I just... I recognised his voice from the Awkward Squad. 680 00:42:44,635 --> 00:42:47,725 Captain Smythe. Described by one critic as having 681 00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,380 the most irritating voice since Peter Sellers played Bluebottle. 682 00:42:51,415 --> 00:42:55,000 And he's not even putting it on. - Hmm! - Are you Bill or Tony? 683 00:42:55,035 --> 00:42:58,537 I'm Bill. That's got to be a first. Usually nobody knows 684 00:42:58,572 --> 00:43:02,005 the writers' names until they've read their obituary. 685 00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:06,040 A- hem! Er, chaps, shall we push on and let Miss Straw read? 686 00:43:06,075 --> 00:43:10,040 Yes, do let's hear her read. What have you prepared? 687 00:43:10,075 --> 00:43:14,160 Prepared? Well, I didn't really have time. 688 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:25,965 (IMITATES TRUMPET PLAYING) 689 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:30,200 The Awkward Squad was written by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes 690 00:43:30,235 --> 00:43:34,057 and produced by Dennis Mohindra. 691 00:43:34,092 --> 00:43:37,880 Sparky was played by Frank Hector. 692 00:43:37,915 --> 00:43:40,165 And... Ooh! 693 00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:44,320 Private Private was played by... (GIGGLES).. somebody private. 694 00:43:44,355 --> 00:43:48,357 And... (GASPS).. Captain Smythe 695 00:43:48,392 --> 00:43:52,360 was played by Clive Richardson! 696 00:43:52,395 --> 00:43:54,520 What the...? 697 00:43:56,880 --> 00:44:01,000 Ah, Beryl, perfect timing. We were just auditioning Sophie. 698 00:44:01,035 --> 00:44:03,605 Who? Sophie Straw. 699 00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:06,600 Spoke to her in the corridor? I gather she's on your list? 700 00:44:06,635 --> 00:44:08,645 She most certainly is not. 701 00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:12,885 We've never met. Sophie, I thought you said... 702 00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,680 Yeah, I rather think you've been made a fool of, Dennis. 703 00:44:15,715 --> 00:44:19,240 As if we'd ever cast someone like her. 704 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:26,520 Sophie. Er, please, let me. 705 00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:29,600 Thank you. 706 00:44:57,680 --> 00:45:00,560 (MUSIC PLAYS) 707 00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:06,320 (CHATTER AND WHISTLING) 708 00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:17,000 AccessibleCustomerService@sky. uk 709 00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:22,760 ♪ I've got some troubles but they won't last 710 00:45:22,795 --> 00:45:26,737 ♪ I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass 711 00:45:26,772 --> 00:45:30,680 ♪ And pretty soon all my troubles will pass 712 00:45:30,715 --> 00:45:33,240 ♪ Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo 713 00:45:33,275 --> 00:45:35,605 ♪ Shoo-shoo-shoo 714 00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,600 ♪ Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Sugar Town. ♪ 715 00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:48,560 You wanna be an actress? Aye think aye left may hombug hair? 716 00:45:48,595 --> 00:45:52,600 My future lies in one man's hands. Good looks and comic ability 717 00:45:52,635 --> 00:45:54,845 rarely go hand in hand. 718 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,060 You've got the job. (SHOUTING IN DELIGHT) 719 00:45:57,095 --> 00:45:59,240 I wasn't sure about 'em kissing and cuddling. 720 00:45:59,275 --> 00:46:00,485 It's modern. 721 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,605 Chemistry's particularly good tonight. 722 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:05,880 Don't let anyone tell you you can't do what you want to do. 723 00:46:05,915 --> 00:46:09,617 It's up to me what you say and when you get to say it. 724 00:46:09,652 --> 00:46:13,320 Times are changing. Get with it, or get out of my way. 725 00:46:13,355 --> 00:46:15,080 Sorry I let you down.